Who Am I? A Confession
The
late William Sloan Coffin, when he was chaplain at Yale University
I
ask myself, “Who tells me who I am?” My greatest regret is that for a large
part of my life my need to be somebody—to be successful, popular, and
important—influenced so many of my decisions and controlled so much of my
thought. My ego, attached to American ideals of success, determined who I was.
In
high school, I strove to be a stand-out basketball player so I would be
popular. I danced to the music of whatever tune would win me applause.
One
Sunday in church, a girl from another high school attended my Sunday School
class. Attracted to her, I asked her out and we started dating. She was not
popular and I began to catch drift of rumors questioning my judgment. She was a
good person—real and authentic; I was shallow and superficial, driven by ego.
Without
any explanation or reason offered I simply stopped seeing her. In keeping with
my propensity for conflict avoidance, I stopped calling, without any
consideration of how this might hurt her. It wasn’t until I began a more
enlightened spiritual journey in the second half of life that I felt any regret
or guilt about my actions.
Now
I like to say that if one doesn’t have any regrets, that person is either a
rare breed of goodness and authenticity, or completely lacking in
self-awareness and/or honesty.
I
lacked self-awareness. I was blind to the way my false self with all its
attachments to ego and addiction to prestige and prominence pervaded my
attitudes, aspirations, and actions.
I
regret the many times and ways I failed to appreciate my wife for the
sacrifices she made so I could pursue my institutional church work and goals. I
assumed that she would comply with my decisions and I did not adequately value
the contributions and investments she made. And yet it was her partnership in
the work that enabled me to succeed.
I
convinced myself that I was doing all this for God, but so much of what I did
was for the accolades of others and the advancement of my career. Religious
leaders can easily be more delusional than their parishioners.
I
now mourn my egocentricity and lack of awareness. I am grateful, however, that
I experienced something of a conversion. I cannot tell you when it happened,
but at some point I decided that the pursuit of popular applause was
meaningless. I began to see how destructive to my true self and harmful to
others my self-centered pursuit of recognition had been.
I
am glad that I am now on a journey to be more real, true, honest, and
aware—aware that I am nothing but “a little shit,” but a little shit loved
unconditionally by God and by family and friends. My awareness that I do not
deserve this is humbling.
I
love the dinner scene in the move, As
Good as it Gets, where Carol (Helen Hunt) becomes so upset with Melvin (Jack
Nicholson) for his total insensitivity and unawareness that she gets up to
leave. Melvin begs her to stay. She says, “Then pay me a compliment. I need one
now.” This deeply flawed and neurotic man says, “Carol, you make me want to be
a better man.”
My
hope and prayer is that the opinions of others will increasingly mean less and
less, and I will be able to nurture this passion to become a better person—to
love wastefully, to act graciously, to forgive magnanimously, and to live more
honestly, humbly, and simply. Amen.
* *
* * * * * *
For
those interested in exploring a progressive Christian faith and spirituality I
invite you to read my book, Being
a Progressive Christian (is not) for Dummies (nor for know-it-alls). http://www.nurturingfaith.info/?p=1297/
Comments
Post a Comment